Want To

Day 56.

Like a castaway on a deserted island, I continue to count the days until I am fully liberated. I’m coming up very soon on the two-month mark of this journey. Wow. Only two months. It feels like it’s been a lifetime. And in some ways, I guess it has.

The truth is, I’m feeling so much better than I was. Somewhere deep inside of me, things are changing, the weight is lifting, the light is starting to shine. And something very important is happening: I have my “want to” back. 

Today, I want to take a long walk in the late summer breeze, breathing in the cool air that warns of a fast approaching autumn. I want to scoop up my little niece in my arms and blow raspberries on her face and neck and hear her giggle. I want to pick out my clothes for the week, marrying practical and not-so-practical pieces to make cute and functional outfits. I want to go out for Chinese food with my aunt and catch up on each other’s lives, and laugh. I want to dance in my living room when no one’s home but my dog to look at me like I’m ridiculous. I want to sing. Not on a stage or in a studio, but in my car or in my shower. I want to eat festival food, drive around town aimlessly on a Saturday morning with my friend, play Phase 10 with my brothers, pop in at Mom’s just for a chat. I want to wear a flower in my hair, or bounce down the stairs, go for a run, or just curl up on the couch and watch home videos. 

I want to help people. All kinds of people. I want to help teenagers who are fighting a culture war completely unprepared. I want to help other women to find God’s gender-specific purpose for their life. I want to help children who are wards of the state, faceless numbers in the foster-care system. I want to help others who suffer from clinical depression. I want them to know there’s hope, there’s healing, and that Jesus loves them. I want to help my friends and family in any way they need me, through their hardest days and longest nights.

I want to worship God with complete abandon. I want to shout, cry, and sing praises to Him without being self-conscious or disingenuous. I want to follow Him to the ends of the earth and not second-guess, hesitate, or regret one moment of the journey. I want to understand the deep, deep love of Jesus. To know Him in the beauty of His holiness. I want to pray with earnest. I want to trust without wavering. I want to be always ready to give an answer to everyone that asks me the reason of the hope that is in me, with meekness and fear.

Ah, the healing season. I hope it takes every bit as long as it needs to and not one second longer. Because even though I want to be through this difficult valley in my life, more than anything, I want to never forget where I’ve been and where God’s brought me from. Only then, can I truly appreciate all those “want to” ‘s as the beautiful gifts from God that they are.