Who Am I?

Nancy Leigh DeMoss says, “Circumstances do not determine who we are; circumstances reveal who we are.” I’ve always found that statement particularly convicting. Under certain circumstances, I’ll admit it, I just don’t shine. As I reflect over some of my reactions to these current circumstances, over particular behaviors, thoughts, outbursts, and frustrations, I begin to see myself for who I really am. And if I set the reel of my memory just a little bit farther back, I begin to see myself for who I really was.

I think that in general, in life, I have been a “Martha.” For those of you who are unfamiliar with the story found in Luke 10, it’s rather short, so I’ll just go ahead and post it here:

Now it came to pass, as they went, that he (Jesus) entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus' feet, and heard his word. But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me. And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.

“Martha, Martha…,” says Jesus with the utmost patience. (I just imagine the Lord saying in the same tone, “Ashley, Ashley….”) This is where I identify with Martha: She’s not a careless woman, far from it! She wanted Jesus to come to her house; she was pleased to have Him there. She wanted to serve Him. That doesn’t seem so bad, does it? It’s good to want to serve Jesus, right? And of course, we’re talkin’ about Jesus here, so just any ho-hum servitude won’t do. We want to present Him with the best, the most, the greatest! And in doing so, Martha gets “cumbered.” Definition: to hinder; hamper, to overload; burden, to inconvenience; trouble. Martha, Martha…. She got so caught up in serving Jesus, she became overloaded by it all. (This barely sounds exactly like me.)

And then, (and I love this part because it’s so me) Martha starts looking around for someone to help her bare this load she’s taken on (voluntarily) and is struggling with. And there’s Mary, just sitting around, and letting Martha do it all by herself. Can we see why Martha was so frustrated? Here she is, wearing herself out to serve the Lord, and there’s her sister, just hangin’ out with Jesus. I wonder how many times she paced across that kitchen before she finally made up her mind to say something. I wonder how many dirty looks she shot Mary across the room as she was coming and going, all the while missing all the best time with Jesus because someone had to put dinner on the table. After all, how many times have I thought or said, “well, someone has to do it!” And then was all stirred up, and angry with everyone else who didn’t feel responsible. Ashley, Ashley….

So when she finally expresses her frustration to Jesus, and this is the part that always gets me, Jesus scolds her and says Martha’s the one who is wrong, not Mary. What? How is that possible? Couldn’t Jesus have just told Mary to go help her sister who was having a rough time? Didn’t He see all the effort Martha was putting in? Didn’t He know that her intentions were to please Him? Yes, this is where my cousin (who reminded me of this story) and I cry foul. 

Reading Martha’s story is like staring into a mirror. And honestly, I don’t like what’s looking back at me. Martha knows she’s got a problem, but instead of asking Jesus what she should do, she tells Jesus how He should fix it. Been there; done that. As if He doesn’t see our need. As if He couldn’t intervene at any time. We insist on having it our way, and then expect Jesus to make it so.

But Jesus knows Martha’s heart. He knows who she is. “Thou art careful and troubled about many things.” Oh Jesus, how clearly You see us. Martha was wearing herself out trying to serve Jesus, until she got frustrated with others and even frustrated with Jesus Himself. She didn’t take any time out to sit with Jesus and hear Him speak. She was too busy trying to serve Him. And I wonder if at that moment, when Jesus so highly praised Mary for doing what Martha found so very irritating, if Martha stopped what she was doing and sat down beside her sister, or if she turned around and stormed back into the kitchen, humiliated, wounded, and determined to be right. And I guess that scares me. How many times did Jesus bid me come, and I stormed back into the kitchen, more frustrated than ever? How many times did I go back to setting the table, cloaked in my self-pity and self-righteousness when He was asking me to be still? How many times have I thrown a temper tantrum when I didn’t get my way?

So the question is, who am I? Clearly the circumstances have changed, but the question remains. What are these circumstances revealing me to be? Can a “Martha” ever become a “Mary “? Can changed circumstances permanently change who I really am? I think this is where the journey gets interesting.