Sleepless Nights

Day 66.


Two days without a post after the explanation of a bad week, I know, I know, it’s not comforting.  There really is a lot going on right now, so much that when I think about it, my frail little mind is boggled.  This may very well have been the most painful and productive week of this whole journey.  (I know what you’re thinking, “More painful than week three?!?!”)  I’ve had to confront some areas of weakness, accept my human-ness, and acknowledge things that are less than palatable to my pride.  Combined with the fact that the problem I thought was the problem that started this problem in a twisted and almost subconscious way really was the problem that initiated the whole problem after all.  I know, I’m rambling for poetic affect to give you a sense of how jumbled I feel; you get the point.  And somehow, I feel less than ever like the person I aspire to be.


Now that I don’t sleep anymore (at least not with any consistency), I use that time to lie awake in my bed and evaluate how normal I feel.  How does my stomach feel?  How does my chest feel?  Am I thinking clearly?  Am I overwhelmed or anxious?  Is God still with me?  Is He angry?  Am I making the right decisions?  Do I have a limited vision of God?  Do I have too high an opinion of myself?  Is there still hope for some of my fondest dreams to be realized, or should I embrace the loss and try and go on with my life?  Is God really big enough?  Does God really have a purpose in all of this?  Or did I bring it all needlessly on myself?


The struggle is real as I fade in and out of sleep, resting for a moment, then back awake to face my inner dialogue.  Somehow, it feels like I’m not in that bed.  That instead, I’m lying on a raft, floating out to sea, surrounded by dark waters and dark skies.  And I’m wavering between two outcomes.  Either I will eventually wash onto the shore, or the waves will roll in on top of me and capsize my little raft.  


Even as I think these things, I am aware that this is not me.  I am a happy person, a bubbly person, someone who loves to laugh and dream and plan.  I’m not easily intimidated, pushed-back, or discouraged.  I delight to be whole-heartedly in love, and give myself entirely to those who love me.  I rarely cry except at a sappy book or movie, or when I find myself in the beautiful, humbling presence of God.  This sickness has made me unrecognizable, and snuffed out my hope, turned me into a stranger in my own mirror.


But it won’t always be this way.  Of this, I am confident. I will rally again, stronger and better for having faced the worst of it.  It may be hard for a while.  It may get harder still.  But it will not swallow me up.  It will not defeat me.  One day, my little raft will dock on the shores of hope.  And God will be with me through it all.


From the book of Isaiah:
  But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.  When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.  For I am the LORD thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour….  Since thou wast precious in my sight, thou hast been honourable, and I have loved thee….  Fear not: for I am with thee.