Out of the Pit

I feel like I can say with a significant measure of confidence that I am on the healing side of this journey. That even though outside my window the sky is overcast and gray, I can feel a shimmer of hope illuminating the interior of my heart, bringing a sense of peace that will pave the way for joy. I have never felt the ground beneath me so solid, never before known the true security of the solid Rock upon which I stand. I have never embraced such full surrender of my soul, my body, my very life. 

I am still experiencing the physical aspects of clinical depression- anxiety, indecisiveness, nervousness, and the tenseness in my chest and stomach. But I’m determined not to let them overpower my good sense and sound reason. God has so blessed me to be able to distinguish what is reality and what is misconception. For those of you who don’t understand what clinical depression feels like, the best way for me to describe it is that my “fight or flight” reflex kicked in about two months ago and the intensity of those feelings has stayed with me day and night over the last 50 days. Those chemicals keep rushing through my bloodstream. The indecisiveness comes from my “gut” telling me that all options are bad. Everything must either be fought or ran from. (This brings some clarity to the drastic decisions I was making at the beginning of all of this-but all that’s in God’s loving hands.) So when your gut tells you everything is bad, it’s hard not to confuse it with your conscience, or the Holy Spirit, or your emotions, or even satan (who capitalizes on it immensely, to be sure). Logic tends to go right out the window because the feelings inside are so demanding. It’s a very real and very scary place. King David described it as a horrible pit and it seems impossible to hear the voice of God when you’re at the bottom.

But remember Psalm 40 from yesterday? King David said, “He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.” What a beautiful thought! God will reach down into the pit where I am crushed and broken and bring me out and then tell me what to do next. I think that’s my favorite part. I have been such in the habit of establishing my own goings, it will be a wonderful relief to finally allow God to establish my goings. Especially with all the indecisiveness I’ve been facing lately. Then again, the truth is, He’s already establishing my goings. I’m living a surrendered life. A purposeful life. A blessed life. He is leading me on to green pastures and beside still waters, but I must first pass through the valley of the shadow of death.

So today I say, I am on my way up out of here. I’m not going to live down at the bottom of the pit when Christ has already made a way for me to be rescued. I'm going to keep moving up into the new level that God is calling me to. I am totally surrendered to God's will for my life. So I can say as Paul did, “we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.” Ah yes, that shimmering hope. That's what makes the journey worth it.