Stronger

Day 37

There are days when I’m okay. And days when I’m not. True to my female nature, I can be going along without a thought or a care and suddenly be taken out at the knees by some memory, careless comment, or otherwise harmless song. I remind myself that this is a journey, chin up, and keep trying to move forward. There are moments when I know I’m only hanging on by a thread, a thin spider-web, to some sense of normalcy. I know I am being lifted up in prayer, and if not for that prayer, God only knows where I’d be.

I know that God is hearing my prayers today, aware of my grief and pain. He sees my struggle. God’s been using music in the healing part of this journey and today I heard a song (again, I’ve heard it multiple times) that spoke to my heart. The song is “Stronger” by Mandisa and the chorus goes as follows: 

When the waves are taking you under

Hold on just a little bit longer

He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger

The pain ain't gonna last forever

And things can only get better

Believe me, this is gonna make you stronger

And part of me thinks, “God, I don’t want to be stronger. Can we just stop right here?”

And God says, “I thought you wanted Me to use you. I thought you wanted to reach out to hurting people and make a difference in their lives. I thought you wanted My perfect will for your life.”

To which I respond, “Oh yes, I do. I just don’t want it to hurt so bad.”

To which He responds, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”

Perfect. His strength is made perfect in weakness. Wow, the perfect strength of God working inside of me, and all I have to do is be weak. I’m not very good at being weak, I’ll admit. I like to fix things (and there’s nothing I like more than to fix than myself), I like to keep a million balls in the air while everyone looks on with admiration, I like to be a bull in a china shop sometimes. My personality does not lend itself easily to gentleness, meekness, softness, or weakness. But God wants to use my weakness to make me stronger. Only, not stronger in my own strength, stronger in His strength, His perfect strength. And if that’s not enough, God reminds me of all those around me who are in the heat of the battle themselves. They are fighting, they are struggling, they are on the verge of fainting, and how can I encourage them if I can’t stand? If, in my light affliction, I forget that I have “fled for refuge to lay hold upon the hope set before us: Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and stedfast,” (Hebrews 6:18-19) then how can I cheer them on to victory? After all, Isaiah tells us, and Paul tells us again, “He will swallow up death in victory.” And Jesus says, “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” He’s already fought the battle. And even better, He has already won!

So today, I say with Paul, “Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” Oh God, make it so.