Minor Setbacks. Major Victories.

Three days without a blog. “That must be some setback you’re having.” Indeed.

There are two errors I would like to address concerning my choice to not post over the last three days.

Error One: I forgot why I was posting.

I forgot that I was not just posting to supply reading material to my faithful followers. (Surely, you all could find something better to read in the evening than my ramblings.) Even though I am recounting these things that you may better understand my despondency, it’s not the sole reason for continuing this discipline of blogging. Rather, I am blogging in order that I might better understand my despondency. That I might reach some conclusion in the whole matter. That I might find a place of healing, peace, and joy again. It forces me to take my day, look at it objectively (as if from the outside), and extract some kind of point to the ebb and flow of the whole thing.

Error Two: I didn’t feel like posting.

I really just didn’t feel like staring at the blank screen and trying to come up with something encouraging when I was so very discouraged. I didn’t feel like putting words together in comprehensive thoughts. (After all, they weren’t arranging themselves in my head that way.) I didn’t feel like chasing ideas and concepts through my mind, trying to lay hold on one complete sequence of logic or lucidity. The valley was so dark; I didn’t have any light to share. But I have to remember that I need to post that too. If I don’t post the darkest days, then I’m not giving a complete picture of what this whole season of my life looks like. I am only sharing the highs, when it’s the lows that are truly refining me. Now it’s not that I feel like I’m being refined or feel like I’m having any spiritual victories when I’m lying on my couch with my face in a pillow, trying desperately to get my head to stop spinning. Quite the contrary, if I’m being honest. But this is where trust and obedience come in. This is when I have to trust that God is making me a minister, according to the gift of the grace of God given unto me by the effectual working of his power. I am thankful for His leading, though I must admit, I don’t like being led through the valley.

I don’t ever want to forget this season, this journey. I don’t ever want to forget this feeling inside. I don’t ever want to forget those dark, dark days. Because when I get through this, I want to always, always, always remember what God has brought me out of. I want to be able to put my finger on it and say, “I once was…but by the grace of God, I am….” And by the grace of God, I will be. I will be what He is calling me to be. I will be a vessel of hope, an instrument of peace, a life of joy and satisfaction in His perfect will. There is light at the end of this, even if I can’t see it from where I’m struggling. I can say, as Job did, I know that my redeemer liveth! That is my consolation, my hope, and my strength. This is my major victory.