Slow and Steady

Day 39

I'm not sure at what point it happened today. No beam of light shot down from Heaven. No white-garbed messenger met me at my door. It wasn't during my quiet moments of prayer or while I was reading in John about the resurrection of Lazarus. But somewhere in the course of the morning, a still small voice revealed to me what I've been seeking for 39 days. And just like that, it became as clear as the September sky. On Wednesday, July 27^th, I had what could be clinically described as a nervous breakdown. Now, I don't know exactly what that would look like in anyone else's life. I didn't read on the internet the symptoms or aftermath; I didn't go about seeking other people's opinions. I don't have to. I'm confident in the diagnosis.

I liked having a busy life. I prided myself in it. I found my value and worth in my busy schedule. I would say, “If I'm not busy, I'm crazy.” (That was my motto.) I loved the way people reacted when I rattled off my typical routine; it made me feel like I was really accomplishing something with my life. And it made me better than everyone else. But I didn't tell people I was having panic attacks at the end of a busy shift on a Friday night at Cracker Barrel. I didn't tell people how unbelievably tired I was all the time. I was irritable, antsy, and couldn't handle any form of down time. My priorities were completely mixed up which only added to my frustration. I kept pretending that I had a perfect life, but instead, everything was working together for a perfect storm. I couldn't eat. I didn't sleep. And I refused to heed any warning from any source. Professing myself to be wise, I became a fool. I thought I had it all together, and all around me, everything was falling apart. The Bible tells us in 1Corinthians: Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall. And I fell hard. From the pedestal I had set myself on, it was a long way to the ground.

So now I'm in the rebuilding process. I don't anticipate an overnight fix. God has a lot of work to do. I'm in a fragile place and my nerves need plenty of down time. But I do believe there is a place of healing, and a time of healing on the horizon. Every day I make a little progress. Slow and steady. And I find encouragement in Paul's words to the Hebrews, “let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us.” Sounds good to me.