He Leadeth Me

Day 82.

I will admit, these past few days have been some of the hardest yet. I have found myself completely consumed with the most unsettling emotion of all: Apathy. I’m sure you’ve all noticed my absence in the blogging world, and from past experience you know my silence speaks volumes. A wave of hopelessness swept over my soul in light of certain events at the beginning of this week. All of my motivation to move forward escaped me like a mournful sigh, and the urge to lay down and quit trumped all other thoughts and feelings. Like a zombie, I shuffled through the dark days and found little relief in the night. I thought I was encountering the new “normal.” And I couldn't see past my own dismal perception. Yes, it was a most difficult week.

It is in times of reflection, such as this, I am aghast at my lack of spiritual maturity. My faith is so small. My trust is so fleeting. My confidence is nonexistent. I can speak the words to others in difficult situations, but when the tables are turned, I cannot accept the words myself. Truly, as the hymn implies, I am a wretch saved only by grace so amazing. My shortcomings as a follower of Christ are innumerable, and while I should have enough confidence to simply trust and obey, I begin to question and second-guess everything. Just when I think I have “arrived” in this faith walk, I am challenged again, and again I see that I have a long way to go.

But then I am comforted by the knowledge that God knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust. God does not expect me to be God. He expects me to be human. Which is good, because He made me a human and there's not a thing I can do about it. After all, no matter how hard I think about it, I can't even add one cubit unto my stature. No, I have to let God be God and I have to let myself be a human being. That means that I cannot know everything there is to know, and so I should probably stop stressing out about it. My Heavenly Father knows what I need, He will give me as much light as I need to walk and my only obligation is to move forward in all the light I'm given.

So even though I have so very much to learn (and that's so humbling), I can be excited about the fact that I AM learning. God hasn't given up on me, so I can't give up on me either. Even when I don't feel like it, I must put one foot in front of the other. I can't see where I'm going yet, but I know I'm being led by the Master. Yes, it was a hard week, but my spirit is rallying and my commitment to God has never been stronger. As Joseph H. Gilmore so beautifully wrote, “He leadeth me, He leadeth me, by His own hand He leadeth me; His faithful follower I would be, for by His hand he leadeth me.” This is all I need to know as I travel that path He has planned for me.