My Way

I hate being a MeMonster. I didn’t realize how much of a MeMonster I was until all of this happened. But I’m pretty self-focused, and have been for a while. Even before I had my breakdown, I was unable to remember anything going on in anyone else's life because, quite frankly, I didn’t care. People would always ask me to pray for them or for something going on in their lives. “Of course I will.” But I wouldn’t remember to. It wasn’t that I was trying to deceive people, or that I didn’t want to remember their prayer requests, it was just too much for me to think about--other people’s problems and all that. I had too much on my own plate to take on anyone else’s issues. Just thinking about taking the time to pray for other people made me feel exhausted, knowing I couldn’t squeeze it in to my already too-full schedule. It kept me from asking others to pray for me too, because I knew what a burden it was to be asked. (Wow. That looks worse on paper than it sounded in my head, but it’s the truth and you all might as well know it.) I would pretend that it was something I delighted to do. I would try and convince myself that prayer was a priority in my life. I preached it to my youth group, I insisted it was key to a Christian’s daily walk, and when pressed, I could pray as eloquently as anyone out loud. I put on such a good front, I even had myself fooled. But God wasn’t fooled. He knew I wasn’t spending any time talking to Him, seeking His face, discerning His will. I have never been a great prayer. I’ve always wanted to be, but not bad enough. Not bad enough to block out the time necessary to learn to pray, to really touch God. So, my prayer-life became nearly non-existent as I filled that time with my works-based religion. After all, I couldn’t have anything but a works-based religion under the circumstances. And, if Christianity is not a religion, but instead a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, then my relationship was completely unhealthy and on the verge of a break-up or an overhaul. (Praise God I’m in the midst of the overhaul instead of the break-up!) 

Let’s pretend Jesus and I went to a counselor to talk about how things were going (pre-breakdown) in our relationship. I imagine it would look something like this:

Me: Our relationship is great. I keep doing all this stuff for Him and He keeps doing all this stuff for me. That’s how I show my love. Doing stuff.

Jesus: We never spend any time together. She never talks to Me. She’s too busy to sit down and spend time getting to know Me.

Me: But look at all the stuff I’m doing.

Jesus: I don’t want your stuff. I just want to spend time with you.

Me: Trust me, I know what’s best for this relationship. We’ll do it my way.

Now, if I allowed any of my other relationships to look like this, I wouldn’t be in a relationship very long. People like it when you do stuff for them, but if it’s not stuff they want you to do, it’s irritating at best, and completely destructive at worst. And if you never spent time talking to that person or listening to that person, you really couldn’t call yourselves friends. A friendship that turns into an obligation is not much of a friendship at all. As it was, I felt obligated to do stuff for God because He had done so much for me, which only created a sense of resentment inside of me because I had to do so much because He had done so much. But that’s works-based salvation. And crazy-arrogant. So this arrogant MeMonster plotted her salvation down a course of destruction that led to a foreseeable end. Paul’s letter to the Ephesians says, “For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.” I was trying so hard to pay God back for a gift that I could never ever (ever, ever, ever, ever, etc.) do anything to equal. And I admit, there was some boasting on my part. Oh, ouch, it’s like watching a train-wreck from this end. Or watching a really awkward embarrassing moment when you want so badly to stop, but can’t. Sigh. Have I been transparent enough?

So, my top priority this week is prayer. I have been trying to maintain a constant dialogue with God throughout my day and very much as I’m falling asleep at night. I don’t want to forget how close God really is at all times, and I want to be in the habit of praying without ceasing. It’s the most important relationship in my life, and if I am careless and neglect it, I’m the one that’s missing out.