By Faith

By faith Abel offered unto God a more excellent sacrifice than Cain; by faith Enoch was translated that he should not see death; by faith Noah prepared an ark; by faith Abraham, when he was called to go, obeyed; and by faith Ashley (that’s me) started a blog about her journey into holiness right in the midst of the most painful season of her life. It’s not that I feel holy. Or even that I feel that I am moving towards God in some hot pursuit of holiness. In fact, I would never have started this journey because I was convinced I was already holy and in right standing with God. But about four weeks ago, (July 26^th to be precise) God confirmed within me the call on my life into full time ministry. Now, for all you Bible College buffs, you may be surprised that this confirmation of calling didn’t come at an altar of prayer surrounded by the godliest people I know, or while reading my Bible, or while listening to a sermon in church. I was simply counseling at youth camp and completely in my element. I had so much joy and excitement; I knew that God wanted me to pour out my life into other people. I sat in the church van that night, talking to my boyfriend (my awesome, perfect boyfriend-but we’ll get to that later) about how God was showing me my life and revealing to me His will. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so happy I was, sitting in that van in the middle of the night, on the phone, a cabin full of sleeping girls that were my responsibility, and the presence of God surrounding me. Oh what joy to serve the Lord! And if I could go back to any moment, that’s the moment I would go back to. I have agonized, I have wept and prayed, I have lamented, I have begged-- God, take me back to that moment. That moment when everything was good and right and perfect. Take me back. Take me back. But, wishful thinking and willful obstinance does not create a portal of return, though I’m certain I’m not the only one who would find such a portal a relief.
It was the next day, (for those of you keeping track, Wednesday, July 27^th) the very next day that everything changed. If you’re on the edge of your seat awaiting some fantastic tragedy or cataclysmic event, sit back. It was simply a feeling. A feeling that nagged at the pit of my stomach. A feeling that would not be ignored, though I tried my best to shrug it off or chalk it up to exhaustion, etc. But no, it would not do. The feeling persisted until it held me captive, a prisoner inside my own head. It dominated all of my thoughts, held a stranglehold on every emotion, pulled me down into a depression as I resisted the only thing I knew I had to do. I didn’t want to break up with my boyfriend (if you’ll remember, I think he’s awesome and perfect), but whatever this feeling was that was burning up my insides, insisted that I break off the relationship. Oh no God, anything but that. Take anything but that. I would rather give up my own legs, than let go of that. Two weeks of sheer torment went by. I sought counsel, godly counsel. I wept and prayed. I tried to suppress my feelings with logic and rational thinking. I spent the weekend with him, but it was a miserable weekend. All because I knew what was required of me. Sacrifice of the most acute kind, not of an imperfect or blemished offering, but of my most precious earthly treasure. How could it be? And on Saturday (August 20^th), amid tears and confusion, I released him to God. Not only my confusion and I suspect not only my tears… But it’s done. So I waited for peace to flow through me. It’s Thursday. I’m still waiting.
I’ve been told by my pastor that this is my journey to holiness. It feels like a journey to hell, if I’m being honest. I have good moments and bad moments. There are moments when I miss Nick so desperately that I just sob and sob. And moments when I’m so confused, I can’t function. And as I try to pray, I say “try” because I can’t feel the clear path between me and God, I simply have to remind God (really remind myself) of the promises in His word. Today I opened the word to Psalm 119: 169 in the midst of my crying and read: “Let my cry come near before thee, O LORD: give me understanding according to thy word.” And so I trust in His word today, in this moment of clarity, and despite the ache down inside, the knowledge that my soul is still searching, I trust that God will give me understanding according to His word. And I acknowledge through the pain, fear, and doubt that this is indeed a journey of faith.
“But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.” Hebrews 11:6.