Deeper Still

"We must tell them that there is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still." -Betsie Ten Boom

Day 68.

 I feel like a rat in a labyrinth. I find myself running frantically down long and narrow corridors, turning down hallway after hallway, desperately seeking a key to unlock the next door.  And as keys come into my hands, sometimes from the most unlikely sources, I am able to open more and more locks. But none of the doors lead me out. They only lead me deeper. Deeper I go into the depth of the struggle. Deeper I go into the depth of the pain. I want to claw at the walls, but there's only one way out, and scramble as I might, I can't get to it fast enough.

Truth is bubbling to the surface of my soul, and it's not a pleasant truth, but a painful truth. The right words at the right time. The right keys in the right doors. Chasms of uncharted pain, un-granted forgiveness, unredeemed territory. Back and forth I pace the halls, wringing my hands, wiping my eyes. Back and forth my mind bounces from one thought to the next conclusion, from matters of the mind to matters of the soul, from my aching stomach to my aching heart. Am I here by design or here by discipline? Could I have avoided this place or was I destined to pass through here?

Something akin to madness creeps into my thoughts, seeps down my throat, and settles decidedly in my gut. There is no sleep to escape to, no destination to run to, no structure to hide behind. Hopelessness finds me like a fast moving tide, up to my knees, my waist, my chin. “O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?”

Tonight, I am closer to the bedrock than I've ever been. There's so much, dear readers, so much that cannot be explained, expressed, revealed. I am on the verge of a break through or a break down. I am overwhelmed with revelation as God has been moving in the secret places of my heart, drawing things up into the light that have been forgotten long ago in the darkness. Everything must be re-examined, inspected, confronted. The healing process is painful as the spiritual attack kicks in at its most intense. I cannot feel the presence of God. “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring?”

And yet, I know, somewhere in my head and mostly in my heart, He is with me. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” He will not leave me here. He is going to deliver me safely to the other side. But we must go through the valley. Though I cannot see the other side, I must turn my eyes upon Jesus and allow Him to truly be my comforter. Every unlocked door is progress in the right direction. The depth feels overwhelming, but God is deeper still.  Be encouraged. We're finally getting somewhere. It won't be much longer now.