Oh For Grace to Trust Him More

Day 76.

It is my human-ness that desires a clear understanding of everything I go through. I need to grasp the “why” behind the suffering. I need to lay my hands on the tangible. And yet, it is that very human-ness that limits me.

I can't fully explain what all has taken place over the course of these past months. I do not have a big-picture perspective yet. I cannot see the world through God's eyes. I cannot see myself and my circumstances objectively. But I do know that something God-ordained passed through His loving fingers and came swiftly and undeniably on my life. It moved in like a plague of locusts, taking everything I had to give. And I, a servant of the living God, can only hold my hands up in surrender.

This past weekend, I encountered an eye in this storm. It was a precious and sacred moment when I knew God was speaking to my heart. I had been agonizing over something I needed to do to bring me a sense of closure in all the turmoil. But I struggled. I knew what must be done, but I so badly wanted to make the right decision. Hours in the darkness I tossed and turned, moving from my bed to my couch, desperate for rest. God was asking me to do something for myself that I felt I wasn't strong enough to do. I was fearful. I wanted someone else to do it. I felt like they had the authority to do it, and I knew they would buffer the pain, if there must be pain involved. Somewhere in the morning, I felt a sense of clarity in my prayers. “God,” I said, “if I do it myself, I have no authority and I have no buffer.” To which God replied, “I AM your authority and I will be your buffer.” Before that moment, I didn't know if I would recognize God's voice if I ever heard it again. I thought maybe I would always second-guess, always wonder. But God has a way of making Himself known.

Though God spoke when I needed to hear Him so desperately, He did not take the pain away. He did not change my circumstances to suit my tastes. He did not wave His hand and fix all that was broken. He did not restore that which the locusts had eaten. He spoke. And in an act of trust and obedience, I listened. In faith, I did what I knew I was being asked to do. Truly God was all the authority I needed. And though pain has come from my actions, it was accompanied with a sense of His peace, a buffer from the worst of it.

No, I do not have a clear understanding or an earthly explanation, but I do know that as for God, His way is perfect. So says the psalmist, and so I believe. In His time, God will take the pain away, change my circumstances, fix that which is broken, and restore the years that the locusts have eaten. I must trust Him. That is what I must learn through it all. I must trust Him.