Wait on the Lord

Day 33.

I woke up this morning and determined that I was going to practice the presence of God today. I tried to simply go about my Sunday business as I normally would. I spent time in devotions, meandered over to my parents' house, took the dog on a long walk, fixed a nice lunch. (FYI: My church has Sunday service at 3:30 in the afternoon.) All in all, it was a pretty good morning, and I was able to feel like I was on the healing side of things.

I set aside time in the afternoon to simply pray. Because I have not been able to pray, I was aware that this would make for an interesting quiet time, but in “practicing the presence of God” I knew that I must attempt it. Wait. Allow me to clarify. It's not that I haven't been praying this whole time. I have been. But my prayers have turned into something less like conversation and more like desperate pleas I chuck skyward in an attempt to fight off stray thoughts or ideas. Or begging God for some kind of relief, clarity, direction, or peace. Other than that, I write my prayers in a journal in the morning. (Sincere thanks to Aunt Becky for that idea.) But this afternoon, I thought it might be a good idea to introduce a season of prayer into my Sunday routine. At first, I opened my Bible and prayed through a few Psalms. Then, I let my own cry come before God. (I actually didn't cry this time, which is worth noting.) And then I laid down for a nap. But it was the afternoon. And afternoons are not my best time of the day. So, just when I thought I was making progress...two steps forward, three steps back. It's not that anything happened, nothing tangible. Just thoughts. After all, this whole war has taken place inside my head...and my stomach. Off to church, and this song bird can barely get the words to the beloved hymns past the lump in her throat. Everything hurts, and I've never payed such close attention to the words before. I do not have joy unspeakable, no matter how truly wonderful it is what the Lord has done. It is not well with my soul. I pray in my pew that the sermon will give me some answers, but (and this is no fault of my pastor's) it only adds more confusion. Frustrated and discouraged, I head home, after I'm assured by people who love me that they will be praying for me this week.

I already know that the answer is not going to come from someone else. I have sought out the godly counsel of many. I have listened to radio programs, music, sermons. I have been reading books, weighing ideas, searching the internet. But I know it's not going to come from some outside source. It's between me and God. And I can't force God's hand. So, the answer, whether I like it or not, is to wait. Yuck. Psalm 27:14- Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD. I hope it's not irreverent to quote Tom Petty right after I quote the Bible, but he really knew what he was talking about when he said, “The wait is the hardest part.”

Tonight as my roommate and I were taking a nice long walk in the cool of the evening, we passed the graveyard down by the park. My roommate has commented more than once that every time she passes by that way, she thinks of 1 Thessalonians 4:16. (For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first.) “And I want to see it!” she says with unreserved enthusiasm. We turned our eyes to the eastern sky and were both a little disappointed that it didn't split open, and that Christ Himself didn't come bursting through to catch us up in the twinkling of an eye. I'll admit, this whole situation, or whatever you call it, has given me a more eternal perspective than I've ever had. I'm so easily distracted by the cares of this world; I rarely have the time or energy for a big-picture-perspective. I never want to think about things I can't understand, like eternity, or heaven, or let's face it-anything in the book of Revelation. But really, aren't we all, all of us who are believers in the Lord Jesus Christ, just waiting. Waiting on Him to return for His beloved. Waiting on a day when there's no more pain, suffering, and fear. What a day that will be! We are called to wait on our blessed Redeemer, in the knowledge that He shall return (John 14:3), and when He does, so shall we be forever with our Lord. Truly, it will be worth it all. Even so, come, Lord Jesus.