Step Up

Psalm 30:5- “weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” This is a promise in God’s word.

I did not spring out of bed this morning with a “Hallelujah” on my lips and a bounce in my step. But I did wake up with a song in my heart. And every time a thought, that I didn’t want to dwell on, would try to sneak into my head as I lay there trying to sleep in the dark hours of the early morning, I would sing my song inside my head, and rest in the Lord.

Today, I am taking a step up. The Bible admonishes in Proverbs to “keep thy heart with all diligence.” And in this area, I have failed. Some of you may be saying that this is not fair; that I have been waiting for years, keeping my heart for someone with the right resume to come along and sweep me off my feet. And in some sense, that’s true. I have been picky and downright snobbish about it. But when I had a perfect opportunity to truly guard my heart, to truly use my head to make decisions and not just my whim and my romantic sensibilities, I erred. Please, no one see this as a slam on the man, but rather a slam on the woman who didn’t slow down long enough to catch her breath. (After all, it’s nice to be breathless over someone who makes your heart beat so fast.) I didn’t stop long enough to seek God with any kind of diligence. I simply plunged headlong and impatient in my own strength, believing my waiting days were over. Fail.

Admittedly, I have swallowed too many lies about romance, love, sex, dating and marriage from tv, movies, books, music, and culture in general. And I’m disappointed in myself. To quote such a movie (based on a book), “What's the point of my being almost twenty-two when there is still so much for me to learn?" Allow me to replace “22” with “28” to personalize the illustration. So, as I second guess everything I’ve said, done, felt, or experienced, I get real before God and admit that I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated that I have to be taught things over and over because I’m headstrong and willful. I’m frustrated that there’s no reverse button on life. I’m frustrated that I can be so self-confident that I hurry right into decisions (good or bad) without waiting on the Lord. But God is faithful. So faithful, in fact, that He wouldn’t let me continue on my hasty path without bringing me to a place where I had no choice but to stop.

As I drove into work this morning, I heard a song (that I’ve heard dozens of times before) that really blessed my heart. Allow me to quote (extensively) the song “Blessings” as sung by Laura Story:

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

I “bolded” a couple of lines that really apply to me in this season of life. I have been angry because God will not “fix” me in the time and fashion I want fixed. But that’s not Ashley allowing God to work, that’s God allowing Ashley to be in charge. And ‘Ashley in Charge’ is not a world any of us want to live in…not even Ashley. That’s something to be thankful for right there! I have to remind myself that God’s plan and God’s timing are absolutely perfect, and He really doesn’t need my input. It’s a hard pill to swallow because I love to give input, but it’s also a relief. Knowing that the burden of the success of my life is not on me, but instead on my Heavenly Father, really takes a load off. So now that I’ve said it, it’s time to start living it. This should be interesting.